At the beginning of the 2019, I was sitting in a cabin tucked in the woods outside of Troy, Alabama, listening to worship music and preparing for the year ahead with a group of campus ministry leaders. As I was listening and reflecting on the previous year, a song began to speak to my spirit.
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
I felt God whisper to me, "what if 2019 is the year that a crush you and press you?"
My initial thoughts were to be drowned by fear. After all, crushing and pressing were scary words. However, it was the promise of newness that followed those two words that I chose to dwell on.
Even with the promise of newness, there was still a tiny bit of fear that settled in my tummy. I knew that being made new would require change, something I despised.
As I kept praying and letting the words of this song ring through my heart and mind, the Lord reminded me of a passage from Exodus 17.
In verses 8-16, the Amalekites attack the Israelites. Moses commanded Joshua to choose some of his men to go and fight the Amalekites and claimed, "Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands." (v. 9)
Joshua did as Moses commanded and Moses went to the top of the hill with Aaron and Hur. As long as Moses held his hands up, the Israelites were winning, but when he put his hands down, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses got tired, Aaron and Hur put a stone under him for him to sit on and each held up one of his arms for him. They held his arms steady until the sunset, and verse 16 tells us, "Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."
This passage served as the perfect reminder that we are not made to fight alone. Christian community is absolutely vital to our spiritual well-being. I knew that no matter what change, newness and pressing were going to come my way, there were people in my life who would be willing to stand beside me, lift me up, and usher in the newness God wanted to bring.
As you can imagine, the crushing and the pressing came, and with them came the pain of the ridding myself of the old. In fact, you cannot be made new until you let go and surrender the old.
My passions and desires began to change, my plans became void, and my relationships with some people were crumbling. It was hard...really hard. I had no idea what was happening, but the song reminded me,
When I trust you I don't need to understand.
At the time where I was being crushed and pressed the most, I was in Kenya serving my second summer with a ministry that is very near and dear to my heart, Camp BlueSky.
I went into my second summer with a lot of expectations for it to be similar to my first summer. (For context, read my blog post, "Worth It || Kenya-Summer 2018.") However, as the summer went on, it became clear to me that my second summer was going to be significantly different than the first.
While at camp, I was learning a lot about myself. I was learning about who Christ has called me to be and the plans He has set before me. There were passions and desires that I had previously had that were changing. The changes I was seeing were scary. Things I wanted and seen as part of my life, became insignificant.
Along with seeing changes in myself, I was working with very different kids than I did my first summer. Instead of having big professions of faith from the most unlikely sinners, I was discipling kids that grew up in church and had become sort of numb to the Gospel.
Through all this, I began to feel discouraged. I felt like there must be something "wrong" with me if God was not moving the way I expected Him too. Believing we have anything to do with people coming to salvation is a dangerous place to be. In a brief moment of self-pity, God humbled me and reminded me that what I was doing had nothing to do with me or what I could do, but everything to do with what the Holy Spirit, through me, could do.
Just because God is not working in the way we expect Him to, does not at all mean that He isn't working. We know that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Our only responsibility is to be obedient to the Great Commission, and to go wherever the Lord has called us to go, and to boldly proclaim His name. What happens from there is up to the sovreignty of God. All He asks is our obedience.
God also reminded me in this time that I was not meant to be fighting my battles alone. I needed an Aaron and a Hur to come and hold me up, and He was faithful to do that. So many people at camp were always there to uplift one another in prayer and encourage one another in the scriptures. I am always amazed at the family I find anywhere I go as part of the body of Christ.
When I left camp, I knew how important it would be for me to go back home and reconnect with spiritual family who would hold me accountable and be there to hold me when I could not hold myself. I am blessed to have many people who are willing to uplift me and always point me back to the feet of Jesus.
Fall semester was challenging, and did not come without its fair share of trials and hardships. However, with the things God had been teaching me. I was able draw near to Him and have people standing beside me to fight our spiritual battles together. My friends are fervent in prayer and abounding in wisdom and love for Christ.
It may have taken me a long time to learn and to realize what this year meant to me, but standing at the end looking back, I can see the newness Christ has brought into my life. The crushing and pressing were painful, uncomfortable, and hard. But without them, I would not be where I am today.
I am full of joy and life. The path may not be super clear, but I know that with the help of the amazing Christian community of family and friends God has given me, I can take one step at a time, and allow the Lord to direct my path.
I guess my point is this...there is a purpose in your pain. Do not try to do this life alone. Keep going. One step at a time. God is so good. He is so faithful. The newness that comes from the crushing and the pressing is worth the journey.
-Amy
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